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Is it Bad to Praise Your Child?

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Seven year-old Brianna was passionate about dancing. She loved to show family members how she had perfected her pirouette and arabesque . When she was finally old enough to join a competitive dance team , she dreamed of all the awards she would win at the competitions. Her parents often told me (while Brianna was in the room) that she the most talented dancer in the class. They showed me video footage of her latest performance and pointed out moves that Brianna had that no one else had. With all these accolades, you would think that Brianna had a healthy self-esteem. Over time, I could see this was not the case. In her book Mindset , Carol Dweck (2017) pointed out that while parents mean well by praising their child's accomplishments , they actually create a lot of pressure for their child. Dweck realized that having high expectations actually caused the child to doubt themselves when faced with a new challenge. As a result, they avoid challenging situations and stick with ones t...
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Screen Time

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Tori and Andy were excited to have Mary, their six-year-old niece, come stay with them for a few days. Their children hadn't seen Mary in months and couldn't wait to play with her. However, after only being there for a few minutes, Mary pulled out her tablet and started playing games. She wasn't interested in spending time with her cousins, unless they were willing to watch her play on her tablet. When it was time for lunch, Mary was too busy playing to eat anything. She finally put the tablet down briefly to eat dinner. But, as soon as she finished eating a few bites, she went back to playing games. Tori realized that this wasn't healthy for Mary to be spending so much time playing on her tablet. So, the next day she told Mary that they would be going to the park that day - without the tablets. Mary burst into tears and refused to go at first. Eventually, she reluctantly agreed to go if she could get an icecream cone on the way home. "It was as if she was experie...
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The Growth Mindset and Praise

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Our son Richie loved soccer. As a teen, he spent hours kicking the ball against the shed, perfecting his technique. Every Saturday, when he wasn't at a game, he would invite friends over to play in the back yard. He couldn't get enough of it. The high school coaches quickly recruited him to play on the varsity team. Newspapers ran stories about Richie, calling him "the up and coming talent to keep an eye on." At first, Richie loved the attention. It drove him to work harder to develop his skills. By his senior year in high school, something shifted. Richie stopped kicking the ball against the shed and didn't invite his friends over to play. He began to dread going to practices and games. I knew something was wrong. One night, as I was driving to a game with Richie, it all came out. He said that he didn't enjoy playing soccer any more. When I asked him why, he said that there was so much pressure to win. Before each game, the coach threatened to bench Richie if...
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Emotion Coaching

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 Four-year-old Logan shouted at his younger brother, "I hate you!" and pushed Henry down. Mom rushed in to see what all the yelling was about. Making a hasty assessment of the situation she said, "Logan, you should never say such a thing to your brother or push him down! You don't hate him." "Yes I do!" Logan yelled. "He always takes my truck and won't give it back." Mom starts feeling angry herself. "You need to learn to share with your brother. Tell Henry you're sorry." Logan refused to apologize and grabbed the truck back from Henry. Now Henry was a mess. Mom sent Logan into time-out so he can "think about his behavior". Does this scene sound familiar? We may have all experienced it ourselves or seen other children and parents react this way.  But there's something wrong with this scenario. Think of things from Logan's point of view. He was playing with a toy when his brother ripped out of his hands. He ...
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