Our son Richie loved soccer. As a teen, he spent hours kicking the ball against the shed, perfecting his technique. Every Saturday, when he wasn't at a game, he would invite friends over to play in the back yard. He couldn't get enough of it.
The high school coaches quickly recruited him to play on the varsity team. Newspapers ran stories about Richie, calling him "the up and coming talent to keep an eye on." At first, Richie loved the attention. It drove him to work harder to develop his skills.
By his senior year in high school, something shifted. Richie stopped kicking the ball against the shed and didn't invite his friends over to play. He began to dread going to practices and games. I knew something was wrong.
One night, as I was driving to a game with Richie, it all came out. He said that he didn't enjoy playing soccer any more. When I asked him why, he said that there was so much pressure to win. Before each game, the coach threatened to bench Richie if he didn't score a goal within the first five minutes.
The soccer coach thought that by pressuring Richie to win, he could get more out of Richie. It had just the opposite effect. When it became all about winning at any cost, the joy of playing the game was gone.
What if the coach had encouraged Richie to hold his head up high after a loss, knowing that he had given everything? If only the coach had praised Richie's efforts and not been hyper-focused on the outcome, Richie may have realized his true potential.
In an interview produced by Education Nation, Dr. Carol Dweck, teaches that focusing on the outcome instead of focusing on the effort sends the message that winning is all that matters. Children are afraid to try something new for fear of failing and looking stupid. The pressure to live up to an expectation drives children to cheat, quit, or avoid difficult tasks. Dweck calls this a fixed mindset.
A child with a growth mindset wants to be challenged. They are willing to put the effort in to learn, even when it's initally difficult for them. Anything is possible in their eyes. These children aren't in it for the rewards. They enjoy the process of growing and improving. And they are resilient in the face of setbacks.
What can parents do to help their kids have a growth mindset?
Praise a child.
But, be sure to do it in the right way.
Dweck teaches that there is a right way and a wrong way to praise a child. If you want a child to adopt a fixed mindset, praise them for being smart, or talented, or for winning a contest.
If you want your child to develop a growth mindset, praise them for their effort, their persistence, and their love of learning.
When I was a girl, I remember a family member said, "You're a good girl." I didn't understand at the time why I felt uncomfortable hearing that praise. Now, I know that the vague adjective "good" felt a little fake.
According to Dr. Haim G. Ginott (1965), "Direct praise of personality, like direct sunlight, is uncomfortable and blinding" (p. 40).
What does he mean by that? Shouldn't we praise our kids?
Praise isn't a bad thing if it's done in the right way. Ginott suggests that praise should "have two parts" (p.42). The first part of praise are the words we say about a child's efforts, work ethic, strategies, etc. The second part is the conclusion the child draws about himself from what we say.
Kelly is learning how to play piano. Mom could say, "You are so good at playing piano." But, what happens when Kelly makes a mistake? The pressure to keep up that image of being "good at piano" makes Kelly afraid to try for fear she'll mess up.
A better way to praise Kelly is for Mom to say, "You have worked really hard on this piece. I can tell the the chords are getting easier for you to play." From these words, Kelly believes that she is someone who puts in the effort and doesn't quit when things get hard. She is capable of great things.
This type of praise focuses on the behavior you have observed about the child, without using vague words, such as "good", "awesome", or "nice job".
Another type of praise helps the child see how his actions have helped others. By using specific examples of what you have seen, the child feels that the praise is sincere.
Paul washed Dad's car for him without being asked. Dad used Appreciate Praise by saying, "I see you washed the car without being asked. It's such a relief to me to see that get done. I came home from work so tired and now I can relax instead of having to wash the car. I really appreciate that."
Words of appreciation and encouragement lead to a growth mindset. Kids feel empowered to try new things, get out of their comfort zones, and see themselves as capable human beings.
Is there any better gift we can give our kids than this?
Bibliography
Dweck, C. (n.d.) Education Nation.
https://byui.instructure.com/courses/293856/discussion_topics/8150354? module_item_id=35080576
Ginott, H. G. (1965). Between parent & child. New solutions to old problems. The McMillan Company.
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