Is it Bad to Praise Your Child?

Seven year-old Brianna was passionate about dancing. She loved to show family members how she had perfected her pirouette and arabesque. When she was finally old enough to join a competitive dance team, she dreamed of all the awards she would win at the competitions. Her parents often told me (while Brianna was in the room) that she the most talented dancer in the class. They showed me video footage of her latest performance and pointed out moves that Brianna had that no one else had. With all these accolades, you would think that Brianna had a healthy self-esteem. Over time, I could see this was not the case.

In her book Mindset, Carol Dweck (2017) pointed out that while parents mean well by praising their child's accomplishments, they actually create a lot of pressure for their child. Dweck realized that having high expectations actually caused the child to doubt themselves when faced with a new challenge. As a result, they avoid challenging situations and stick with ones they are more comfortable with. To them, failure means they will disappoint others, including themselves. 

  

Dweck (2017) said, "If parents want to give their children a gift, the best thing they can do is to teach their children to challenges, be intrigued by mistakes, enjoy effort, seek new strategies, and keep on learning. That way, their children don't have to be slaves of praise. They will have a lifelong way to build and repair" (pp. 179 - 180).

Brianna was so used to being the best that she couldn't stand losing. At anything. When I played a board game with her, she would change the rules if she was losing or she would just quit. I actually felt sorry for her. All that praise about being the best seemed to backfire. Is it wrong to praise your child?

The good news is that we can praise our children. We just have to do it in the right way. Dweck (2017) teaches that praising someone's intelligence or talent creates a fixed mindset, where they avoid getting out of their comfort zones. Instead, we should praise our children for their effort and not for the end result. 

What sounds better to you? "You were the best dancer on the team!" or "You've worked so hard over the last few weeks to get that routine down. That shows that you know how to stick to something when you may have felt like giving up. I'll bet that feels good to you."

The focus here is on the effort, not on being the best. This makes the child want to work hard and take on other challenging activities. She will want to prove to herself that she is capable of doing anything. What an empowering message!

So, what happened to Brianna and the dance team? After a while, she told her parents she didn't want to keep doing dance. She claimed that the other girls were mean to her. Her mom told her the other girls were just jealous. Still, Brianna decided not to sign up for dance again in the Fall. I believe the pressure to be the best was just too much for her to handle. 

Since that time, both Brianna and her parents have changed the way they look at success. Her parents are comfortable letting Brianna get involved in something she really wants to do: drama club. The interesting thing is that Brianna told me she loves doing drama because all the kids support each other. There's no pressure to be the best. They just like to have fun together. And her parents couldn't be more proud of her. In the right way, of course.

Dweck, C. S. (2017). Mindset: Changing the way you think to fulfill your potential. Random House.