Emotion Coaching

 Four-year-old Logan shouted at his younger brother, "I hate you!" and pushed Henry down.

Mom rushed in to see what all the yelling was about. Making a hasty assessment of the situation she said, "Logan, you should never say such a thing to your brother or push him down! You don't hate him."

"Yes I do!" Logan yelled. "He always takes my truck and won't give it back."

Mom starts feeling angry herself. "You need to learn to share with your brother. Tell Henry you're sorry."

Logan refused to apologize and grabbed the truck back from Henry. Now Henry was a mess. Mom sent Logan into time-out so he can "think about his behavior".

Does this scene sound familiar? We may have all experienced it ourselves or seen other children and parents react this way. 

But there's something wrong with this scenario.

Think of things from Logan's point of view. He was playing with a toy when his brother ripped out of his hands. He also concludes that Mom loves Henry more since she sided with him. This makes Logan angrier.

Although Mom meant well by trying to teach Logan how to get along with his brother, she overlooked the opportunity to help Logan identify his emotions and work through them. And she shut him down and blocked his feelings. This taught Logan to hide his emotions so he won't be punished.

So, how does a parent handle a situation like this? 

In an interview with KCTS9-TV entitled Emotional Health, Dr. John Gottman said that parents can help a child through Emotion Coaching. This involves teaching the child to label their emotions, validating the child by showing compassion, and helping them understand where their emotion comes from. 

Does this mean that a child should be free to do whatever they want so that they are able to express themselves freely?

Of course not. Gottman teaches that while feelings are acceptable, there are limits as to how a child can express those feelings. Emotion Coaching can also help diffuse the emotions and put the child in a state of mind where they can learn to problem-solve.

Additionally, in a Journal of Abnormal Chid Psychology article, Havighurst et al. (2015) stated that when parents were trained to use emotion coaching, they showed "more empathy towards their children". Also, these parents "weren't as dismissive" to the child's emotional needs (p. 10). As a result, their children showed more emotional intelligence towards others and exhibted better behavior at school and at home.

So, what does emotion coaching look like? 

Let's redo the earlier scenario when Logan told his brother he hated him and pushed him. This time we'll show how Mom could handle the situation using Emotion Coaching.

Four-year-old Logan shouts at his younger brother, "I hate you!" and pushes Henry down.

Mom comes rushing in to see what has upset Logan. "Logan, you sound really upset. Are you angry with Henry?"

"I hate him! He always takes my truck from me when I'm playing with it."

"You were having a fun time and then Henry ruined it by taking your truck? That sounds really frustrating."

"It is. Henry always takes my toys. They're my toys!"

"When Henry takes your toys, you worry that he will keep them and won't give them back."

"Yeah. I hate it when he does that." Logan's anger is dissapating.

"I can see why you would be frustrated." Mom is able to reason with Logan now that he feels validated. 

Once Logan's anger is diffused, it gives Mom the opportunity to teach Logan appropriate ways to deal with his emotions. She can also teach him what is and isn't acceptable behavior.

Children aren't the only ones who can benefit from emotion coaching. The teenage world is a time of turbulence. They are dealing with puberty, hormone changes, peer pressure, self-esteem issues, and a host of other challenges. This is the perfect opportunity for parents to show compassion and empathy through Emotion Coaching.

I didn't realize it at the time, but my mom used Emotion Coaching with me when I was a freshman in high school. I had a group of friends that started excluding me so they could hang out with a rougher crowd. It really hurt me. 

One day I came home from school in tears and told my mom how I had been rejected. Again. She listened with empathy as I poured my heart out to her. Rather than dismiss my feelings, she took them seriously.

After I had gotten it all out, she shared a similar experience she went through as a teenager. I felt she understood my pain and knew how hard it was to be rejected. 

It's been over 35 years since that incident happened, but I can still remember how much easier it was to deal with the pain when my mom validated my feelings. 

Young or old, we all want to be understood and loved for who we are. Emotion Coaching is a way to validate someone and help them feel understood. 

Next time we are tempted to tell a child that they should or shouldn't feel a certain way, dig deeper and find out what emotions are driving their behavior. You may be surprised to discover there's a lot going on under the surface.

Gottman summed it up best when he said that "the key to good parenting lies in understanding the emotional source of problematic behavior."

Emotional Coaching takes practice. It may feel awkward at first.  That's okay. If we tell our kids that we are trying to understand what they are feeling, this will help them realize that we care about them. They will know that they can trust us with their emotions.

Bibliography

Gottman Institute (2019). Emotional Health [Video]. Youtube. https://www.youtube.com/watch?                        v=bmsDTT3xgjo

Havighurst, S. S., Duncombe, M., Frankling, F., Holland, K., Kehoe, C., Stargatt, R. (2015). An                           emotion-focused early intervention for children with emerging conduct problems. Journal of                 Abnormal Psychology, 43, 749-760. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10802-014-9944-z

Lisitsa, E. (n.d.) An introduction to emotion coaching. The Gottman Institute.                                                        https://www.gottman.com/blog/an-introduction-to-emotion-coaching/